How to reframe personal success and failure
In life, we often get caught up in a waiting game. I’d like to invite you to think back to a time when you were waiting for life to happen to you rather than living it. If this is your reality right now, think about what you’re waiting in limbo for.
Maybe you feel like your life can’t progress until you get married, or maybe you’re holding out for that promotion. Maybe you want to travel but don’t think now’s the right time. Maybe you need to tell someone the truth, but you’ve waited too long, and it feels awkward. Maybe you want to move to a nicer home but are unwilling to make necessary compromises.
That last example is what happened to me. I knew I needed to move for my mental and physical well-being (when the trafc outside your home is so loud that you can’t sleep, something has to give), but it just never felt like the right time.
Now that you’re holding that moment in your mind consider whether you perceive the situation as a failure or a success story.
I’m willing to bet a lot of money you view it as a personal failure. I saw my hesitation to move and the impact that delay had on my health as a failure, too. Until I learnt to reframe my perception.
Today, I’m grateful to be sharing how to reevaluate your defnition of success and failure in your personal life by changing your values and metrics.
Are you ready to hear what I have to say? Because I wasn’t until I realised this worked. Let’s dive in.
First, let’s talk about the evolution of toothpaste
You may be wondering, what’s toothpaste got to do with my perception of success? Stick with me.
In the 1970s, there were only a couple of toothpaste options available. Fast-forward to today and the options are overwhelming. In the past 50 years, the competitive landscape evolved, and now, the average toothpaste manufacturer sells over 30 varieties.
But do people brush their teeth more often? Has our dental hygiene improved because there are more products available? Not necessarily.
The lesson here is that more doesn’t always equal better. Waiting longer for the right conditions to make a change doesn’t automatically mean better results. So many toothpastes on the market are exactly the same because the manufacturers aren’t taking risks. Instead of innovating, they’re doing the same thing over and over again.
With that in mind, let’s get back to you.
When was your last date?
In our personal lives, we often prepare excessively for moments that we see as potentially life-changing. Dates are a great example. We go to the gym, buy a new outft or even invest in teeth-whitening toothpaste, trying to fnd better ways to seduce. In other words, we try to guarantee the date is a success.
But in reality, none of these things will have a huge impact on whether the date leads to a relationship or even sex.
This is why we need to change our perception of what ‘success’ means. In terms of dating, most people think a date is successful if it achieves one of the following:
A kiss
Sex
Another date
A long-term relationship
But when you see success in such binary terms, you increase your risk of failing. The trick is to realise that success and failure are fluid.
My last date was in January. I didn’t feel anxious going into it. I felt great. I was excited to meet and connect with someone new. And it was a huge success. Why? Because I let go of perfection. I let go of my expectations. I decided that the date would be a ‘success’ as long as I turned up and connected with a new person. And that’s exactly what I did.
Finding the perfection in the imperfection
How much time are we wasting by waiting for the right moment to take a leap? By waiting to feel enough?
Mindfulness plays a crucial role in this journey of reframing. We can navigate situations with greater clarity and authenticity by paying attention to the who, when, where, and what of our actions and words.
We can accept that there’s no perfect time for a frst kiss or a difcult conversation. Emotional intelligence guides us to discern the most suitable moment based on context and connection. Instead of convincing ourselves that ‘we’re not ready’, we can take the leap and avoid death by over-preparedness.
Now, let's delve deeper into the values that underpin our perceptions of success and failure.
Transforming perception of success with values and metrics
Now, I’m going to show you how to transform your way of measuring failure and success with values and metrics. And no, you don’t need to use a spreadsheet. All you need to do is answer this simple set of mindful questions. Let’s use the example of approaching a strained relationship with a family member.
What is bugging you? My brother doesn’t want to open up to me about his feelings and only has enough time to have a cofee with me.
Why does this bother you? It feels like he doesn’t want to spend time with me and doesn’t trust me with his feelings.
Why do you believe this to be true? If he wanted a closer relationship, he would put more efort in and make other suggestions like I do.
Why does that feel like a failure? We’re siblings, so we’re supposed to be close. And other people I know have much closer relationships with their siblings.
Value: Having a close sibling relationship.
Metric: The amount of time we spend together and how deep our conversations are in comparison to other people’s relationships.
When you break it down like this, you can see how this person is measuring their relationship using arbitrary values and metrics. The problem is that they’re basing success on what they see other people doing around them, and intangible things like relationships or personal experiences can’t be defned as successes or failures based on arbitrary criteria.
In this example, they’ve decided they don’t have a successful relationship with their brother because they’re not as close as other people are with their siblings. That perception is hurtful, but it doesn’t have to be.
By changing the metric to something more realistic, like, ‘We make time for each other’ or ‘We have mutual respect for each other, they can start viewing their relationship as healthy and successful rather than a failure.
What’s the takeaway?
How we choose to measure our situation determines how we feel and defne success from failure. I want you to think about how you can apply this to your own life.
Let me leave you with the story of Pete Best, the original drummer of The Beatles. While he was fred from the band, he found happiness because he met his wife. His values changed, leading him to prioritise companionship over fame.
